The Anxiety of What's Not Happening

Brett Hill (: 00:01

so many times people come to me and my work as a coach or trainer and they're just miserable because of the stuff that isn't going on in their lives. Now, what the heck am I talking about? How? Why are you unhappy about things that aren't happening? And that's the key question that I want to ask is what is it that isn't happening that's making us unhappy

And this is really important and it might seem silly, but it's really important because there are so many people who are suffering and I mean significantly suffering over imaginary outcomes. What isn't yet to occur, but could occur. I'm not here to say that there aren't potentials to be worried about or you should ignore potentially bad things that can happen.

However, there's a difference between that and being present with what is happening right now, recognizing that the things you're worried about, they're simply not happening in the moment. I'm going to say a lot more about that in this episode of the Mindful Coach podcast. I'm your host, Brett Hill, mindful, semantic coach, coach trainer, and I teach mindfulness and presence and daily communication in our lives. A big, big part of

What's helped me and others understand how to have a day, have a moment. Let me say it like this, to have a day that is enjoyable is to have a day that has enjoyable moments. And I have an article on this, you can look it up called Diamonds at Your Feet. The point of that is that there are beautiful moments every day, everywhere. The world is full of beauty.

It's all over the place. And I don't mean complicated beauty like the perfect soulmate or the exact right seasoning in a batch of food or the perfect song delivered brilliantly. Those fabulous whenever those things happen, of course, but I'm talking about ordinary experience and why I should say ordinary everyday events and they're ordinary because they're every day. But if you look at them, they're actually anything.

Brett Hill (: 02:27

but ordinary. It's the only thing missing is your attention. As I look out the window here, there's gorgeous trees across the road here that are bursting out in their spring enthusiasm. And it's incredible to watch. And so sometimes I'll just sit and I'll just hang with the vibe of spring. Nothing's going on but me and simply appreciating.

this magnificent

Nothing's going on.

Nothing's going on but this magnificent bursting out of flora and fauna all over the world.

Brett Hill (: 03:17

Nothing's going on but this magnificent foliage coming.

Brett Hill (: 03:27

Nothing's going on except for these magnificent, the magn...

Nothing's going on, but the magnificence of these trees and flowers and, you know, birds nesting and things beginning to happen that look and feel a lot like spring. And it's pretty spectacular because I'm in the Pacific Northwest and it's lush up here. Unless I am worried about, my God, I'm not getting enough listens on the podcast or I'm not getting, enough, having enough clients or somebody I know is ill or my car might break down or something bad.

could happen and I start to feel the vibe of those thoughts. And instead of being, having the capacity to decide to go look at the lovely moment that's right available for me.

Instead, I'm feeling the anxiety associated with those thoughts. And I want to be really clear. This is straight up from Eckhart Tolle and other mystics, and I align myself with the mystics of the world, that the thoughts that you have about what could be, there's absolute need for planning and sequencing. You know, I have to go get it. I have to get a ticket. I have to get on the plane. I have to pack certain kinds of things. I have to have a be at a certain place at a certain time. I have to pay the bills.

These things need to be planned and scheduled. Yes, without a doubt. But if you think, I've got to schedule the Uber ride, but then you start thinking about what if it's a terrible ride? What if I can't get there? What if it was like the time that happened? And you imagine an associated neurology, your neurology offers a memory of a time that wasn't great. And it might be like that. And now,

Brett Hill (: 05:19

Instead of just planning and sequencing, you're having the anxiety of thoughts that are associated with, but aren't actually happening like they did before. And so consequently, you in this moment, as you're trying to do this planning, you start to feel unhappy and anxious and nervous. What if it goes bad? What if, what if, what if? And all those what ifs are associated with unpleasant outcomes.

In that case, you're simply what I call living in the gap. You're living in the space between what's happening right now and what could be happening. Imagine a negative outcome and feeling that negative outcome as if it were happening now. You're simply making yourself miserable through your thoughts. These are just thoughts. That's all they are. They're just imaginations.

of potentials. And so it's a good thing to think, yeah, well, maybe it'll be bad. I will deal with it when it happens. And maybe prepare somewhat, but you don't, you know, get all tense and say, okay, I've got my thing and I've got the thing and I'm ready for the thing. And then when they do this, I'm going to do that. And you just spent all day thinking about what you're going to do if this negative outcome happens and you get in it and it's not negative. And you wasted your day dealing with a situation.

that was unlikely and even if it did happen, probably wasn't going to be that bad.

These are ways we obsess about or borrow, borrow trouble sometimes I call it, or I've heard it called. You're borrowing trouble from situations that aren't happening. Eckhart Tolle has a story, and I love this very much, and I think it's in his book, The Power of Now, or I also listened to a lot of his CDs at one time, so they're kind of all jumbled in there. The story was being present with what's happening.

Brett Hill (: 07:24

And he talks about this guy who's at the attorney and he's going bankrupt. And he goes, OK, so what's happening? Well, the windows open and they can see the trees outside, the lights happening. There's a clock on the wall going tick tock, tick tock. As he signs his name to the paper that's going to declare him legally bankrupt, he can hear the scritching of the pen. I remember that word, scritching of the

So he's writing his name. He says, that's what's happening versus, oh my God, I'm going bankrupt. It's the end of the world. It's a terrible thing. I'll never be the same. How am I ever going to cover? And I'm not here to say this is a good thing to have happen to you. It's just that all of those thoughts do not change the circumstances of the moment.

The moment is that the windows are open, the clock is ticking, there's a scratching of the pen. It's a nice day outside. By imagining how horrible it is, or I should say connecting to kind of the negative outcomes, letting yourself feel the negative outcomes.

Constantly or in this case, you know momentarily while you're writing this you you basically invite your nervous system to attune to all this negativity and it and Let's just play it back. You either sit there and you are tuned to how terrible it is and you have a really crappy moment or You don't and in either case the state of affairs is the same. You're still declaring bankruptcy by putting your name

So which experience would you prefer? Which experience would you prefer? Would you prefer if you have to do something as unpleasant as going back, would you prefer to have a really crappy time doing it and be miserable for days and days, months and months, or do it, be done, and move on and enjoy the diamonds at your feet, the beautiful opportunity that's right in front of you?

Brett Hill (: 09:36

And I want to be really clear, as I've said before, I'm not talking about escapism. I'm not talking about denying the negativity or the impact of the things. I'm just simply talking about not making it more miserable than it needs to be. Another example, you're driving down the road. You're on the way to the airport. You've got to meet some people for an important meeting. And your car has a tire. Excuse me, your car has a tire. Your car has a flat.

You're stuck at the side of the road. You open the back, the spare tire is also flat. You can't change it. You are not gonna get to the airport on time for your flight. What do you do? Well, you have choices. Well, hopefully you have choices. You can just go crazy. you know, I would not be, I would be struggling to use all of my skills in this moment. Fair warning, right? And that would be to go, my God.

Tires flat, unexpected, unpleasant, unfun.

And I'm going to take some action to get this resolved. I'm going to miss the plane. We're going to be negative outcomes of that.

an unexpected, unpleasant turn of events has happened. And then I can go about fixing things and trying to do things as best I can to just move on because no matter what you do, it is not going to change the facts of these circumstances. The only thing that will change is your experience of these circumstances. So I can disconnect from the outrage

Brett Hill (: 11:19

and the unpleasantness justified as it may be. This is always a story like this always happens to me. How come I can't get I work so hard? This is unfair. Think of the way they're going to be disappointed. Imagine what they're going to think about me. Oh, my God, the opportunities I'm going to lose because all of that may be in them in the air. But by just letting yourself have that and that's basically the experience that have for the next two hours or three hours, you're having a miserable time.

And it doesn't change anything about the facts of the circumstances.

So I'm inviting you to notice when you are imagining a negative outcome and feeling that you're borrowing from an unpleasant outcome in the future, borrowing that anxiety and bringing it into now. And noticing, and this is the mindful part, noticing when you're doing that, take in a breath and go, you know, I'd really rather not feel bad. I'd really rather...

feel good. And I can't get to good or even average if I'm thinking of negative outcomes and feeling that negativity.

This is, now this is a natural thing that we do and it's extremely common. I see it all the time in our clients and coaches and as well as, know, executives, professionals that I'm working with in my mindful presence course for professionals. It's like people so worried about what could be happening or what's the meaning of some potential thing that someone said or what could be.

Brett Hill (: 13:07

Is my career taking a dive? my God, and this tailspin about what could be happening is negative. And it could be that something negative is coming your way. It also could be something that's positive is coming your way. The question isn't is something coming because there always is. The question is, are you over-amplifying the negative outcomes and living in the sensation of those before they happen?

And that way you just kind of trash your day. And after a while of that, you're going, my God, I'm suffering. I can't enjoy life. I'm disconnected from the world. can't connect to my feelings. I don't know how to be happy anymore. This is one of the key reasons that people simply can't find a way to be more grounded and connected to what's true for them is because they're not connected to

what's true in the moment. There's only one moment in this bigger world, which is now.

That is.

Brett Hill (: 14:16

unconditioned by circumstances. It gets a little woo. It's like by your being, the part of you that's manifesting now, the part of you, the you that manifests now, is unconditioned by circumstances. When you woke up, it's the same being that manifests as the one that's near death. There's lots of things that happen in the meantime, but the very thing that emanates your life itself.

is the same. And when you connect to this manifestation of the moment,

Brett Hill (: 14:55

maybe using your skills, techniques and skills, of them are teaching, like centering breath. Yeah, there's this presence, there's this now, which is just right here.

And when I connect to that and I look around, it looks and feels entirely different than, I wonder what this means. I potentially think, I went to see the doctor and they said I had a thing. my God, it's horrible. And it's not great. There's no question about it. But who am I now? What's going on now? it's beautiful trees. Happy puppies. Lovely song. Nice smell of cooking.

Beautiful scar.

There's beauty all over. And when you connect to it, if you really connect to it, your nervous system will relax. I had a client recently, or tried to have a client recently, who was unwilling to simply be present with the experience of something like a tree or a sky She said it was pointless, it didn't change anything. It's true. It didn't change any of his desires to be connected to

a world that he wasn't having.

Brett Hill (: 16:17

He was, he really, really was more or less obsessed with certain qualities and characteristics of people he wanted in his world, because he wanted his life to look a certain way and he was not happy unless it looked that way. It really was all about appearances. And when you're attached to the notion of appearances, it's very hard to connect, to give yourself, to allow yourself to go deeper than that.

because it sort of violates the premise that the appearances are what's important.

So you look around and you go, my world is actually beautiful already. Well, that's completely at odds with I need to make it beautiful because there's not enough of what I call beauty in the world, is, know, faces or objects or houses or cars or something like that. And those things will not bring you happiness. They're fun to have, but they won't bring you happiness because that's something you can have any time, any moment.

You don't have to believe me to know that. ask around. Now let's see, King Solomon was a guy, they wrote about once, Vanity Vanity, all his Vanity.

plenty of rich people in the world who are really, really unhappy.

Brett Hill (: 17:47

And there are plenty of people in really impoverished circumstances who are living wonderful lives moment to moment, not because of what they have, but because they appreciate the fact that they can actually breathe and stand or if you are able, right, be present.

They appreciate that they are able to actually open

They appreciate the fact that they are simply alive and have the capacity to bear witness to this moment.

So that's the invitation for this episode. It's to notice your thoughts that take you away from an experience of now and kind of cast a shadow over it. Just simply, and here's the technique, the skill.

And here's what you do about that. go, there I go. There is that me, there's that part of me that is thinking about an unpleasant outcome and feeling it now. There's that part of me that's thinking about an unpleasant outcome and feeling it.

Brett Hill (: 19:15

Just naming it, there's this phrase, name it to tame it. like just naming that is so powerful. It's not going to erase it because it's for many of us, it's just a habit. It's just neurology is you're going to do the thing that's easiest for you to do because that's the easiest thing for you to do. And unless you bring effort into it, you'll do the easiest thing. Your brain will automatically, that's what the brain does. It takes effort, it takes intention.

You have to go, there is that part of me and who's borrowing imaginary trouble, feeling it now. I don't like that. Taking a breath and going, you know, that's not happening. That is not happening. Maybe it will happen. I hope.

Brett Hill (: 20:04

And then noticing what is happening. What's happening now is that, well, nothing bad. So find something good if you like and dwell on that for a little while because it changes your state. Again, I'm not talking about avoiding. You want to plan for negative outcomes that can happen. Clearly, we don't want to simply walk away from or ignore the potential badness of things in the world. And particularly in these days, the badness in the world.

You want to say yes to the fact that those things are possible. And the way to take effective action is to be present with what's true for you now. So whenever those things do occur, you're present with what's actually happening and not the 10,000 things that you imagined. Because sometimes the things that are happening can be worse than you imagined. And sometimes they're a lot better. Most of time they're better.

And when they are better, go home, you know, this was way better than I imagined that it would be. And letting yourself have that too.

Brett Hill (: 21:15

If you do this, if you just simply track, in my work called tracking, pay attention to your thoughts. yeah, that's happening. I'm going to be present now with what's actually happening.

And that's maybe you've heard of this semantic Experiencing and some other skills where people are like really stressed and they're kind of maybe in a trauma. They look around the room and name things, know, like cup, tree, flower, know, eye drops, phone, just naming objects in the room that you see, because that puts you into the moment. It seems silly, but you're really, and it takes you out of your thoughts.

obsessions, daydreams, imaginations about what isn't happening and put you right here. Now there's another part of this, which is the body is always in the moment. The body is always in the moment. And that's why mindfulness training so much of it's take a breath, feel your breath, feel your somatic experience, your body based experience. Rub your hands together. yeah.

ridiculously sensitive fingers, least my fingers are, just insanely like, whoa, there's a lot of sensitivity there. feeling that you can feel the ridges of your hands. It's like, wow. And when you're doing that, you're not obsessing about what could be what somebody meant, what might have been, what you wish for, or feeling the pain of what you wish for that isn't happening.

And it's important to do these things because it breaks the spell of

Brett Hill (: 23:02

casting your thoughts into these negative scenarios and lifting those moments into now, it breaks that spell. There's nothing more actually than a bad habit, just a neurological habit. Pretty soon, if you don't do that, you can spend your whole life just living in a daydream, imagining terrible things and at the end of your life, I had a terrible life. Did you really? Because were you really there for the experiences that were happening right in front of

Maybe, and I'm not here to say that it wasn't terrible, but I am here to say that there are terrible things that happen to people and they...

I don't want to say make the best of it because it's not like I'm trying to diminish the horror of some people's circumstances. But I am here to say that I always come back to the story about Nelson Mandela, who was imprisoned and tortured. And his biggest concern was he would become like his jailers. His biggest concern is that he would become like his and that he would grow to hate them.

That just really gets me. It's like, wow. Here's a guy who's so in tune with the integrity of his compassion and his, you know.

Brett Hill (: 24:33

He was pure and simple, loved for other beings. That he was really concerned that he would hate the people who were abusing him.

Well, I mean, and truly he was in a situation where it was entirely unjust. So in those circumstances, the thing that he's really wrestling with is his own state.

Wow, that just speaks so much to me. And if he can manage that, then certainly most of us in our day-to-day lives can manage the mundane things that are happening. my God, why is the parking so hard here? What is going on with them? They never show up on time. Why aren't they getting back to me? it's just so annoying. I just wish people would just do the right thing.

and living in this place of being constantly annoyed with what is not happening.

being present with the truth of who you are.

Brett Hill (: 25:46

in a deeper way, the truth of your of now. And so that's really what I have to say today. And I, you know, sometimes the truth of now, your circumstances can be really unpleasant. And so that is the truth. And I'm not trying to diminish that in any way, I'm going deeper. If you listen to Eckhart Tolle, he really gets down in there on, know, you don't really have any problems. I'm not that, how should I say?

I don't say that strongly because I do believe people have fundamental problems. You you've got a fatal disease that's a problem. Wishing it was otherwise does not cure you.

And I say that...

Brett Hill (: 26:41

with extreme empathy and humility around it, because I've known a of people who've had these serious problems and thankfully I'm one of them at this moment, but I'm under no illusions that it could be, it could be otherwise tomorrow or in a moment. And that even makes it more important to cherish the moment that you have.

because it's the one you have.

Brett Hill (: 27:16

So blessings to you and I hope in some way this has been somewhat helpful to simply frame in a possibility of, it's almost like you can, it's a very strange thing because whenever you realize that the things that are very frequently, the things that are causing me to be really unhappy and other people to be really unhappy are just thoughts about.

the way things could be.

negative outcomes. And when he realized that, a thought is just a moment you can just dispel them with a wish. I don't have to think that. Wow. What a relief. That's not actually happening. Wow. And suddenly you can begin to be present for.

The smile that's right in front of you and the beauty of the sun, the sky and the flowers of spring. So blessings to you and may you find beauty everywhere.