The Practice of Presence

Speaker A: 00:00:03

The Mindful Coach Podcast.

If I told you that there's a way to increase the amount of presence that you can bring to any conversation or any action or any meeting that you want to take or you're in and all it took was five seconds, would that be interesting? Because it is to me. And I've spent a lot of years working on how to bring myself into a more full experience in the moment of presence.

And the cool thing about that is, is when you do that, it changes the conversation, it deepens the relationships and it creates this authentic sort of connection, or I should say the opportunity for that, because you can't be fully responsible for what, whether or not good things happen as a result.

But you can bring your best game to the possibility, making it the most likely outcome, or I should say making it possible for a better outcome to happen than if you're just streaming your top of mind thoughts into whatever's going on in your conversations and in meetings. Now, there is nothing wrong with just simply being casual in conversations and not preconceiving.

I'm going to bring all of my intensity to bear on every single word I've got so that I can make a huge dynamic impression. That's not the drill.

Rather, it's about simply being present with your experience of both yourself and the other person or the group and, and letting that experience inform what you say and how you say it really, really makes a huge difference. I did a podcast episode on words and how people just casually just use words as if they didn't have any basic meaning.

And they, in the sense that words get decoupled from their original meaning. Like I was in the podcast, I was talking about the word trauma, for example, which is way overused. All kinds of psych. Another word, narcissism.

People think anytime someone is self centered that they're a narcissist, but it's not that. There's. There's a lot more to it. And so words get disconnected from their meaning, the original meaning, and then they get thrown out casually.

And people say things that are abrupt or gruff or hurtful, as if those, as if words didn't have power and they do. And so the episode is like, words are cheap, but they shouldn't be, or expensive words is another way I like to talk about it. But how do you do that?

How do you use words that have more value? And what do I mean?

Well, are you, have you ever been in a conversation where you're talking with someone and you realize in your interaction with them that they are really being present with you.

They are really paying attention, and they're carefully using the words not in a controlled over, controlled, manipulative way, but in an effort to be authentic and to express their awareness of what's going on in the moment with you and with them. And when you realize that that's what's going on, you go, oh, whoa, you know, I need to up my game here. Because they're.

They're really paying attention. They're bringing a lot of value to the conversation. And by that, I mean they're investing their own energy into being present with you.

That's not something they have to do. You can. They could just be top of mind. And most people are most of the time. I'm inviting you to.

To develop the capacity not to be on all the time, but to be able to invoke that at will so that you can show up, be more present, be more clear about the connection. What's going on with the connection. When I teach coaching, it's like tracking the connection I talk about. It's like, how is what I'm saying landing?

If you're in business, you're in a meeting, being aware of how the words you are saying is landing with the people in the room. I often do career counseling, and people go, I don't know how it was received.

And to me, that's an indicator that their tracking skills need to be refined. Because when you are paying attention, you kind of get a sense of, oh, they really got it. Because what happens when something lands?

Well, you see nods, you see yeses, you see people in you. People go, yeah. You see curiosity, you see people relax.

And if you're not getting that, they're not really somatically aligning with the words that you're saying. Just a simple little being present with how people are responding.

Not to judge them or to judge yourself, but simply to notice what is happening as a result of how you're speaking and the way you're showing up. This is all in an effort to own your impact, to take responsibility for the way that you show up.

By first having the capacity to show up, to be able to be present with people at will. Now it becomes harder and harder because the world is crazy. We. We've got so much going on. There's like, crazy.

Like crazy times out there, you know, not to mention, even if it wasn't for this insane sort of political landscape we're in, life is complicated enough.

Fill out the form, get the taxes, make the doctor appointment, take the kids, get the Car fixed, do the insurance, clean the house, take care of the dogs, going. I mean, it's like, crazy.

All the planning, you know, plus a job and just making ends meet, looking out for, you know, the growth of your business or the health of your relationships. These things can be really hard and stressful. And so it can be a bit of a challenge to take responsibility for your impact in the midst of chaos.

And that's. That's why I talk a lot about how to ground in the field of all this activity. I think of it sometimes like static.

If you ever picked up some clothing out of the dryer and it's like all staticky, and if you had a water bottle nearby or spray or miss, you could just spray it a little bit. It'll just go static, just dissipates. Well, our minds are like that sometimes. Sometimes I think of it like a snow globe.

It's like, you know, you shake a snow globe and it's like crazy activity, and you can't really see the scene. And then you hold it for a moment, and all of it clears and the scene is revealed. It's like, oh, and our lives can be like that. And people.

People come to me sometimes. I'm so confused. I don't know what to do. God bless. You know, that's so true for many of us, and me too, sometimes.

And it's an indicator that the snow globe has been shaken and can be hard. You're in the middle of a blizzard and go, which way do I go? I don't know. Which way? Where's the sun out? I. I don't know. Where am I?

Those things can be really hard to get.

Your be in the middle of all that chaos, taking a breath, invoking some presence, invoking the capacity for your awareness to get bigger than the storm. Then what happens is things begin to settle and you begin to see more clearly the smell that settles. Begin to see the scene right in front of you.

Oh, there's the path. It's right. It's right there. Look up one of my podcasts, diamonds at your feet. It's about that. How do you do that? How do you do that? Well, this.

It's a little bit of a conundrum, right, because we're talking about presence, which is really a state of being. And how do you do being? It's like, wait, what? Well, and truth is, you can't.

You can't really do being, but what you can do is you can learn how to improve the way that your neurology works, the way the capacity in your mind to invoke a state of awareness and to invoke a state of non reactivity and presence, if you will. Well, let me say to invoke a state of simply being aware of your experience long enough and non reactively long enough that presence can emerge.

Lately I've been thinking about this.

I, I love to think about these things because that's what I do is I talk about these things and I try to teach it and it's helpful to have some language about it. But I really, really want to know. It's not just that.

It's like I really am fascinated with how does this work, what's the mechanics of this, what is the nature of this thing. And lately I've come to think of presence as the manifestation of being. When you are connect to this and being.

Let's don't go full woo on that, although I'm happy to do that at times. Let's just talk about being as being a state of calm, clarity and awareness connected to your experience.

And if we bring in the John Cabot Zen definition of mindfulness is like on purpose in the moment, non judgmentally. And so I'm being present with my experience on purpose. I'm choosing to be present, choosing what is happening for me now.

And if you're listening to this, you can do this right now. Just check in what is true for me. Oh man, it's crazy in there. Ah, there's a part of me, I'm experiencing this craziness, this wow, there's a lot.

The snow globe is happening there, the chaos is happening. Oh, wow, it's pretty busy.

Then the moment you do that, it's magical because what's happening is you are witnessing the activity rather than giving yourself over to it. Just the act of, of asking like that, inquiring what's it like? Oh, I'm noticing it's so active.

There's so much anxiety, so much grief, tension, worry. Wow, that's intense. Just noticing it, that one moment creates a tiny little bit more capacity to be more present.

Because in that moment you've gotten bigger than the inner chaos because you are witnessing it and naming it rather than being in it and feeling, oh my God, my life is. And you're all over the place. I'm not trying to say that's wrong. Please don't. It's not judgmental. I'm not being judgmental.

I'm trying to say there's a path to better noticing. Oh yeah, that's what's true for me. Well, who can blame, you know, and bring some kindness to yourself for having. Instead of going, I should have.

I shouldn't be this way. There's all this shoulds and we know. Then you just notice that, too. So. Oh, and I have so much judgment about it. Oh, man.

There's so much chaos in my life. I'm not managing this well. People are going to judge me. People are going to think all these terrible things I'm not living up to. Wait, hold on.

There's those voices and that feeling that I really should be doing better. I really should manage this better. Wow, that's intense. That's intense. It feels so stressful. Yeah, just. And then in that moment, just take a breath.

That is your truth. That's the truth of your experience. But that is not who you are. That is just your experience. It's just your experience, not you. Right. You get sick.

You're just sick. It's not. I am a sick person. It's like I have an illness. And as with all things, all things are going to pass.

So even though all that is true, are there good things in the world? Well, yes, there are. Is there beautiful sunset? Is there spectacular spring happening in the United States? Anyway?

Are there lovely faces, happy children, beautiful smells? Are there gorgeous things? Spectacular things, amazing things happening all around us? Yes. So wouldn't be great to kind of notice that.

Let yourself be in rapport with that beauty. Yeah. Does it get something done? Does it get your task done? Does it make you solve your problems? No.

But worrying about it and feeling anxious about it doesn't do that either. So thinking about, oh, I've got all this stuff to do, I'm not enough people are judging me, doesn't solve your problems. It just.

It has this illusion of, oh, this is kind of productive because I'm like, in the mix of things that really matter, I'm paying attention to what's really important and it's making you miserable. Because there are also another side of this that's super important, too. And that is what is the state of your experience.

And a lot of times for a lot of people, that's not so great, because there's some unhappy things happening in our world. And not. Not saying you don't have that or that you shouldn't feel or that you shouldn't feel great about it. It's not that.

It's just that there is also a lot of beauty in the world and a lot of grace in the world and a lot of valuable, spectacular things in the world.

And if you Listen to people like the mystics of the world, Eckhart Tolles and, you know, Christa Murdies and others who are like, into being in a real core way. You really land in that state of being. And then ecritulla goes so far as to say you don't have problems, you just have thoughts about problems.

And I'm not fully in there, but I'm trying to underscore that you can take a breath, get. Name your issues, name the things that you're experiencing as just an experience and not who you are, because who you are.

At our core, we all want very similar things, right? We want to thrive, we want to be happy, we want to be appreciated, we want to be safe, we want to be loved.

We want to be in rapport and connection to a supportive, lively, healthy world that has our back. And, you know, we kind of don't have a lot of that in our world as much as we would like.

That's the culture that, for better or for worse, that has been created around us. But we can know that these things are true for us, and we can do the best we can to create those things in our in the moment experience.

I see someone I don't know walking down the street. I notice them. Not all the time, but sometimes it's like I can choose, pay attention. What's this person like? Oh, I can see there's struggling.

They've got a cane, maybe they're struggling. Such a rich history. Look at the face. There's so much experience there. There's a story here. There's a connection here. There's a family here.

There's a legacy here. We all go so deep. We all go so deep. And you, you go deep, connecting to that depth, taking a moment, pausing.

Oh, man, I have a lifetime of experience. Some great moments, some not so great moments, all have contributed to who I am now.

So when you walk in the room and you enter a conversation, it's not just, oh, da, da, da, I've got this going on, and there's the static, and there's also a lifetime of experience in your bones. Connect that to your heart, connect that to your voice, connect that to your arms, and move into the world from that place.

And when you're really grounded in that, something pretty special happens. You start to feel like your problems are problems, but they get a lot smaller.

Even, you know, large problems can start to feel smaller because you got bigger. The a key thing in the work that I do, your problems don't go away. You're going to Go bankrupt.

You're not going to not, you're not going to not have that problem by getting more present. But instead of becoming your identity, it's just something that's happening because you got bigger.

And remember, it started with this, oh, I'm having this experience rather than I'm stressed out, I'm unhappy, the world is treating me bad, I just can't get a break, I can't get lucky. Well, things aren't working well, I can't, I can't. It's bad, it's bad. All this stuff is happening to me.

And I'm not at all saying that you aren't justified in having unpleasant responses to those things because they are unpleasant. But I am saying if that's the only experience you're having, that's not going to work.

You're going to stress yourself out, you're going to wind up ill, you're going to wind up disconnected from people around you and the world around you even more. And so it's a matter of some urgency in a way to relate to your experience as something that is just happening to you and not you. I love to go back.

My go to story about this is always Nelson Mandela who's you're never going to find.

Or it's rare to find a story that is so profound in the sense of here's a man who's so full of heart and justice driving his mission and they put him in prison and tortured him. And his concern was I would come to hate my jailers. Wait, what? That's what he was worried about. Oh my God.

Can you imagine having enough of yourself together even under those insanely oppressive, unjust situations where you have every right to go, I'm a victim. This is horrible what you're doing to me. How could you? You're an animal. This is unbelievable.

All of this could be true, but is that the experience you want to be having when instead you can go, you know, my real concern is that I'm going to grow to hate these people because they're just people just like me. Ill advised what they're doing, obviously.

But his, his concern was more about who he became his in the moment experience than it was identifying with the injustice. Now that's an extreme situation and clearly the people are way out of line. Unfair, should not be happening.

And yeah, I'm not so gracious and said, but that's, that just shows me what is possible. And if he can do it under those circumstances, then certainly I can muster a 15th of that in my Life by trying.

By trying to be present with my experience. And my circumstances aren't nearly as severe as that. And God bless. I'm. I'm. I'm blessed in that regard.

And for other people happening today in this country, it's a lot closer to that. And I weep for those souls. And for these reasons, it's really important to take this opportunity to double down on your effort. Now, here's the thing.

It takes effort. You can't just wish this to happen. You have to practice the practice of presence.

And you do that by invoking, consciously on purpose, the question, what is my experience now? And it doesn't take that long. It'll take seconds, Just seconds. Oh, yeah, I'm noticing. I'm angry. Oh, I'm noticing.

I really like that someone speaks to you. Oh, I'm noticing that smile. I love the enthusiasm in their voice. I like the way they dress. Wow, what a great lift in their voice.

What a beautiful curiosity they have. Or conversely, it could be, oh, there's so much sadness, there's so much bitterness or so much anger. I'm noticing all that. Ah.

How do you respond to that? Not take it on. It's not like it becomes yours.

And I'm speaking to the empaths out there that are impressionistic in this way, where you can't really distinguish between their experience and your experiences. So it's a mirror, not a sponge, right? You want to. You want to be resonant with, but not absorbing. It's like tuning forks, right?

It's like some tuning fork sounds, and you have a frequency that's resonant with that. You're resonant with it. This is the source of it. You're resonating with it, but it's not you. You're just in resonance with it.

And as soon as this shifts, you shift. Or you can choose to say, oh, that's not mine. I know it's not mine. I'm feeling something about it, but it's not me.

And that way, you don't take on the energy. That's the key. That's a whole other conversation. But it's close, particularly for somebody like me, because I'm kind of weirdly empathic in that way.

And so I've had to learn to manage it. The key is, what is my experience now, naming it, speaking from that, connecting to the depth of your life experience.

I talk about bringing the whole of you into the room. And so when you do that, just imagine you're walking into a room, meeting a group of People.

And what you're feeling is a connection to this more stillness, this more connected place where you're feeling kind of, you know, I'm going to use the word powerful, not like. Like power, like outward, but just grounded, connected, like a. Like solid. Solid is not even the right word. It's. It's like.

And the reason I mean it's solid, because it's not like solid has a sense of being impenetrable and heavy. It's the opposite of that. It's being expansive and grounded at the same time. It's almost. There aren't really words to describe this, but present.

I feel the people, I feel the room, I feel the individuals. And I have responses to those things. I'm noticing those responses. Oh, yeah, it feels like this feels like.

And maybe I voice those things and maybe I don't, but I'm still connected to it. So when someone says to me, how are you? How am I? I am doing really well, thanks. How are you?

And I'm looking at them and I'm feeling them and I'm sensing the vibe they have. I can feel their stress. And they go, oh, yeah, I'm fine. Things are great. I'm looking at them and going, okay, a little bit of a disconnect here.

Maybe if they're friendly, go, hey, how are you? How you doing? Things okay. And if not, maybe it's a business relationship or something. And that's fine. You don't necessarily need.

Well, I feel a real disconnect between the way you're speaking and the way you're acting right now. So what's that about? You know, it's not like that. It's just. Yeah.

And so again, when people connect to someone who's in a more grounded, centered place, your nervous system is. Got a vibe. Their nervous system, their energy has a vibe. And we're resonant creatures.

And so John Eisman, who created the recreation of the self Psych Somatic psychotherapy, he used to call it being a surrogate operating system for the client. So when you're a mindful coach, you're like present and. And they're interacting with you. And that interaction can be instructional in and of itself.

Just in the same way I mentioned earlier. Have you ever dealt with somebody or been in a relationship, a conversation with somebody who's really being present? That's instructional.

It's like, oh, wow, that's what it feels like. Your nervous system begins to imprint on other people. Not like forcefully, but just because of the fact that it's mingling like two.

Two fluids mixing together like a river, streams meeting. They mix and they mingle. There's. They influence each other. You're water, the temperature and the.

And the quality of it influences everything around you. And that's what I mean by taking responsibility for your impact. How are you showing up? What are you connected to?

That's another whole topic I like to talk about. What are you connected to? So practice. What's my experience now? Oh, I'm having this. That's my experience. Wow. It's crazy.

It's calm, it's peaceful, it's loving, it's kind, it's beautiful. I feel relaxed, I feel hungry, feel sad, I feel sick, I feel anxious. Whatever it is, it just is your experience.

And so that's it for this episode of the Mindful Coach Podcast.

I'm your host, Brett Hill, and if you like what you're hearing, you're kind of vibing with this, go over to my website@themindfulcoach.com and check out the resources there. I'll put a link also to my newsletter. I send out twice a week with stuff just like this in the newsletter.

So if you'd like to hear some more or connect, check it out. Thank you and stay present. The Mindful Coach Podcast is a service of the Mindful Coach Association.